Passion
by AudreyTheSlayer
Summary: There's something in all of us. Good, evil, whatever you wanna call it, but there still is something.
1. There She Goes

Crossing with myself, I see pleasure in you  
I see all that I know, all is supposed to be true  
In everything I write I thought I really knew...me  
I thought it was what you wanted to see

I change myself for no one  
I bleed with my mistakes secretly, than I am gone  
I don't know who you really are,  
Crying, scraping on what I've learned from this far

I hear melodies, they string with ease  
The don't hurt my silent life, they know how to appease  
I love who I am, but dream for a siren's heart  
The one who holds me even in my empty spacious dark

Continuing I know not what I didn't know before  
All that is left for me to feed from, pierces strong within my core  
She breathes, she's right here  
But I find myself, being someone else, what does she care?

I abuse my people, they stand no chance  
I believe in life for oneself, but... too strained, just seeing her dance

For me, everything is as it should be  
What am I missing, oh, the answer will only speak  
When its changing what I know for me


	2. Blue Eyes Blue

Blue eyes blue, or whatever the saying was. As she cleaned the counters she had another vision. Only this one, didn't belong to her. It had some other effect to it. She licks her lips in the feeling. It soothes, knowing what she knows. For a while, rather for her whole life, it was just her.

She was quite used to it all. Being somewhat different. Isn't everyone, she would ask herself. The answer would be yes.

There was loud holler but it wasn't hers. She knew who it is and it couldn't be good. The screeching sounds like Melora James a.k.a. sister who has everything the spoiled brat. Melora was the type of girl that guys look at. ALL guys look at. Sure the slutty wardrobe didn't leave much to the imagination. She had nothing authentic about her and she knew it. Melora was a popular Regina George, head to toe. Mom and dad were too giving sometimes. Well, ALL the time. Being in her shadow had its not so nice attributes.

Melora had this hooker-like screech even when she was talking. Her boring brown eyes made everyone think she had no flaws. Someone who looks like she does hasn't got time for a personality. She finds it annoying. So is her boy toy. The one she drags practically every waking moment of the day.

The problem with this is, he's nothing like he seems. He's the typical guy after the same deal yet its all a façade. He knows it too that's the sad thing. The way he looks at her when she's not paying attention.

Truth was, he has just a good a chance anyone to find someone worth it. College guys are supposed to grow a brain, that's what everyone says.

"What are you still doing here? Why aren't you with your geek friends?" Melora decided to chirp anyway.

Ella James scoffed as usual, "Because I'm so obsessed with you and Josh and I had to stay just to oogle at the boringness that is you."

"Like I care," she applied more red shiny gloss to her pout, "Speaking of which you need to get out of here, we need the house."

Ella chuckled. Not buying her bull shit, "Wouldn't want to do that now would we. Especially your failed attempts at achieving the medal for Most Easy. Make me gag and bark sister."

She whipped around from her dresser mirror, "I have no energy for this. Now out, I don't want Josh to see you lurking at our business."

Ella waved her hand and got up from the bean bed. "Nothing's gonna happen anyway. Don't get too excited."

"He's mine, that's all you need to know just so your paws don't claw out. He is a hottie after all."

"Not interested, besides anyone you seem to date get krabs just looking at you. He'll get tired like the rest of us proudly discovered."

Mel chortled, "You're in way over your head. You're just jealous."

Ella nods dismissively, "Yeah, that would be really convincing if I cared a little bit. Good for you I don't, eh?"

Her eyes narrowed, one of those "kill kill kill" warnings Ella hates. "Out, now. Go play or something."

Ella strides toward the door but turns around to bid adieu to the snake queen of Beverly Hills, "Oh, Paris, I'm hot you're not."

She was happy she got the last word in doing a little victory dance mentally as she trotted down the stair in a slight skip. She was in a good mood, whenever she had the chance to outsmart her dumbass sister. Mel was never one for being the bookish belle. She was a belle with a capital B for bitch.

Ella walked to the kitchen almost jumping out of her skin. There he was. She tucked her hair to calm herself. Apparently he heard the small gasp and looked her direction.

She really had to give Mel some credit for all the bagging such a creature. He had cut his thick, long brown tendrils since the last time she saw him. He got some highlights in it too. She preferred the shorter to the one Mel obviously forced him to get. Woman are vicious and Melora headlines as Queen Ass Face. His face aged she supposed college students don't normally sleep. She memorizes ever feature and curve since the first time.

She saved his eyes for last as always. She realized she was doing it again and migrated to get a cup of juice. "Sorry, just came to get, you know?"

She could feel his stare almost targeting her. She hated when people would just stare at her with no purpose. "What's up, Ella?"

"Not a whole hell of a lot. Mel's primping and long story short is throwing me out so you guys can do nothing in one part of the house when there's more space for all, well, you and I if we're sharing."

He watched as she took a slow sip of the cool yellow liquid and laughed at her banter, "I would have thought that by now you guys stopped all that bull shit. But I know she's the one who provokes you."

Ella was shocked by this. Come to think of it, this is the most they have talked in a month. With finals, everyone's problems with family, and Josh's aunt had died 3 weeks ago. He was a zombie, even to Mel. Ella assumed as long as he's dealing in a healthy way, she wasn't going to involve herself.

She never got know anything about Josh. Mel certainly was the big reason. But there was this thing about him, and she always wondered if only she got to see this side of him.

She smiled goodnaturedly, "Yeah, that's what I keep saying."

"Obviously someone always listens. I just realized we talked since..."

"...yeah, I wasn't, I mean -- I didn't know if you were..." she was searching for the word, "ready to talk you know?"

He nodded, leaning his back against the marbel green counters. "I was messed up. I'm not completely over it..." Ella watched his face shy away.

"Josh? Are you OK?"

He composed naturally, "Sorry. Let's not rehash the past."

She gave a thin but understanding smile, "Of course."

Now there was that weird pause. Things were getting stingy and Ella wishes she never brought up such a sensitive issue. She could try and break the ice.

"I finally got a job." It was true and what time of any to mention it she thought.

His face pulled in a smile, "Really? That's cool. Congrats Ella. Where is it?"

She had to think now, it was hard enough to keep track of all the shit that went down. "Coffee place on Pico and Beverly Dr. It's tiny but, its pretty nice. Been looking for work forever, heh, so yeah, just glad someone decided to throw me me bone."

"That's cool... Gonna hit me up with a sweet frap, you better."

She giggled, relaxing finally, "Well when you demand so nicely like that, how can I resist?"

It was really funny but they both tried to make much the uncomfortable air that permeated the room. "I feel so calm when I'm around you, you know?"

Did he really just say that? She was confused now. He just 360ed? Not possible. "What?"

"I-- Mel?" he glanced behind her.

Takes a fuck up to ruin Joshua Chasez for her.


	3. Chasing Cars

Ella decided she'd just hang out next door. Suddenly she felt weird about what Josh said to her. He never was that open and she was a little irked to stick around them; Mel being the other reason.

It was still fairly early so she figured she'd see a movie if one of them is home or just go stag. She skimmed her lap top for some good movies and show times. She rolled her lip as she found something watchable. She didn't really want to do anything like this. Somehow, Melora always managed to win. She was the favorite even growing up.

Ella sunk herself on the edge of her bed, drenching in her thoughts. When she first saw Josh, he was wearing those funny glasses, he still wears them when he studies and when he first met her parents. He is actually a good guy. He was really shy meeting them but when Ella started talking to him he got better.

She rolled onto her side and started shutting her eyes yawing while doing so. She felt something jump on the bed and opened her eyes. She looked down and felt herself get clamped up.

"Hey." He simply said.

"Hey? What are you doing here?"

"I came here to ask you if you..." she sat up, "Something wrong?"

She cocked an eyebrow, "Excuse me? No. What do you wanna ask?"

He was looking at her strangely, "I love your sister."

Somehow, its hurting to hear that now. Before she didn't care but she felt something. "OK? What does that have to do with me?"

He figured he'd just get it over with before anything else happens. "I want to ask her to marry me."

Ella barely noticed her mouth widen up. She was more in shock than she thought she ever could be. No wasn't a strong enough word to solidify any reasons or answers she could contrive. Why? What? She forget he was still there when her thoughts came back to her. "What do you, what? 2 months and you're keen on this already?"

He was visibly hurt, he thought he was set on this but he wanted to tell someone, "I realize it was 2 months ago but I really want to do this."

Her eyes couldn't look at his anymore. She lost what she thought was a potential friend. Now, nothing. She's beyond bothered by this. Something about it wasn't genuine and Ella's not the type to let such strong suspicions slide past her.

She dreaded the next question even though she already suspected the answer, "Do you love her?"

He nodded immediately almost as if his life depended on that one question, "I care about her. We get each other you know? She's a good person."

"That's not what I asked. I could care about someone and not be in love witht them. Do you love Mel?"

His forehead crinkled. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. They never had a disagreement like this and now it was making him mad, "Isn't it obvious?"

"What? Is what obvious? I ask you a simple question and you can't seem to give me a--"

"It's a big ass question Ella, and you know the answer already." He stood by himself.

"Somehow, I used to believe that but you can't seem to decide a "yes" or "no" in the deal. Do you love my sister or not?"

"Ella... I, you know already."

"Quit the bull shit. You don't even know how you feel and you want to marry someone, why? Cuz you think you'll be alone? What is your problem, Josh? What's really going on here?"  
He started getting up pacing around as he did so, "You know what, forget it. I shouldn't have told you this."

Her legs swung around the bed and she folded her arms not quite getting his fit, "You're right. Get out of here. Go on do whatever you fucking want. I thought you were better than this."

He turned around to gaze her with accusing eyes. Now it was his turn to be confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Go away Josh. You've said enough..."

He knelt down next to her trying to look her but she refuses, "No, I haven't."

She looked at him finally revealing the glazed view she was concealing, "...don't you think? I thought you were, I thought we were going to be..."

"Why do you think I told you first? My parents don't even know. What does that tell you?" He tried taking her hand in his but it was ejected quickly.

"Josh--"

"I love her very much."

5 words. Who knew 5 words were what culminated her demise. It was over, she somehow knew, she never had the chance.

She held back what was planning on slipping out of her eyes, desperately. She would never let him see her like this but still, she was going to be OK for now.

She turned her face, putting upon a brave manner, not so hard, "You do?"

He nodded, assured, "I do. I want you to know that."

"Alright. Why me? Why did you tell me and not your parents? People you love?"

He didn't really know himself. It was a mystery why he considered her first. Maybe her opinion matters. But more than his own family?

He sighs, looking sideways, anywhere but the eyes in front of him, "Could you not tell her please? I need to think about some things before I do this."

"Think about what? You don't want to ask her?"

"Not yet I just... I need to be sure."

He stood from where he knelt and made for the door, Mel was still downstairs so he needed to get down fast, be with her. He slowly opened the door--

"Josh?"

He turned, "Yeah?"

Ella knew she was prying but something about this didn't matter to her, "If you were really in love with Mel, you wouldn't need to think about asking her."

He said nothing and nearly ran out of her room as he eased himself and closed the door behind.


	4. The First Cut Is the Deepest

Ella fiddled with her pen and stuck the end tip in her mouth. A habit she picked up and refused to quit since she was 8. Glancing around her room all she could think about was Josh and what he told her. Was it even possible? Did she get everything? Marriage is something of a touchy subject with Ella. Friends are more important than a contract binding "forever" or something of that nature.

She leaned over onto her side, trying desperately to concentrate on the color black but… nothing. She barely slept the last 4 nights. She managed to avoid Josh every chance she had and he was always around now even more. It scared her more than she'd like to admit. Mel knew all too well what she was doing.

It was disgusting the way those freaks "clicked." Josh didn't seem like her lap dog in the beginning. He was kind of one of those really hot geeks. Like if Buddy Holly was actually eye candy. He was very clean, too clean to be considered given a side glance. Ella fell for him before Mel laid paws on him. She believed he held a certain way about him that no one else she saw had. He was different. Her type, 9 years her senior wasn't much of an issue. She never told anyone this, there was no one to tell, she accepted her Andrea Zuckerman heritage long ago. She didn't mind if she was perceived as the "immaculate" type, least she was smart. Usually people that smart have something to hide. She had a lot to hide. Well, minus the living in the ghetto part.

Josh never saw her that way. Ella wasn't sure if he noticed her at all. Ella remembered one time where they in one of their many "break-ups" simply for show she'd never seen Mel so desperate to keep someone strung along so needlessly. It's not like she was the monogamous type, everyone knows who she really is. Beautiful people usually have a heart the size of a peas; if they're lucky, grapes. It's funny how those clichés spring true, she thought to herself.

Josh was a complex person. Ella knew from the start. She should have stayed quiet and not get involved as she did but it was completely impossible. Emotionally, She wasn't sure how strong her feelings were but nowadays, all bets are off. Unfortunately she feels again, stronger than before.

He wants to get married. He wants to sign himself off so soon. AND, what perplexes the situation further was that he told Ella instead of making up his own god damn mind. She never felt so lost as she feels right now. It's one of those angered mindsets where you can barely stray from it.

She pushed the bottoms of her palms into her eyes. She didn't know what she was going to do. Tears she barely recognized peaked on the corners of her eyes. Crying was something she didn't have time for. She was annoyed with this. These thoughts… Being what they are, she tries to keep herself in check. The backs of her hands rest gently upon her forehead and her eyes focus on the ceiling.

She checked her watch and squeezed her eyes shut. It was 2 and she could only stay in bed for so long. She didn't have work today, luckily. Today was predominately going to be about sleep and rejuvenating but is that really necessary? She knew if she got out of bed she'd have to deal with him and she wasn't sure if she wanted to even see him.

Yes, she was avoiding him. It was hard to hide, she knows she has to get over it. She was awakes suddenly by the door slamming open--

"Where is it? Did you take it, God!" The screech of the monkey sounded her sedative eardrums.

Ella smacked her forehead in a dastard manner, "Make it go away, Lord if you can hear me?"

"Oh please, quit it already. Now where is it? Josh is waiting and shit! I know that you took it. You take everything from me."

Ella strangely was deciding to care, figuring it be the only way to "make it cease," "What's your beef? What did I not take from you?"

Mel whirled around and searched Ella's closet ramaging about, "You know what you--there it is. Found it!" she pushed past her sister carrying a really lavish, dark blue butterfly clip and fastened her hair in a brash rush.

Ella narrowed her eyes, reaching to grab at her, "Hey, you can't use that!"

She pulled from her, heading for the door, "No its not and you know it."

"Don't I? I remember Dad getting that for me last year for my birthday. It never was yours. You always do this shit. Everything is not yours Mel, even Josh."

That was odd. She didn't expect to say much of it. Truthfully, Ella believes he doesn't know what he feels and he's afraid of something. Mel's a not so bright kind of gal, she probably wouldn't notice, so she hoped.

"That's light a joke, right? Who cares what you think. I'd love to continue this delightful convo but I must leave before I care too hard. I'll be with my boyfriend so you can stop the ogling already now. He was always mine because he loves me."

Ella shook her head silently letting all slide, its impossible to say what's really going on anymore. It's true, sort of, what she's getting at. They're together. She didn't hear Mel leaving until she heard the stomping downstairs and that disgusting display of inhuman saccharine indecency, the shitty kind.

She walked to her window, placing her palms onto the sides. Thinking about Josh brought on stress. Again, she curled up in entrapment. Alone. Punished for being the person on the other side. The 4 days that went by her since he told her what chilled her dreams. Her sister will be getting married before her.

Big fucking deal.

"Oh shit, Kyle, would you get that box for me. Your mom's inside, just put it in her room. You staying for dinner, tonight?" a man's deep voice boomed outside her window.

She crept to the window and raised an eyebrow.

"Not sure. Taking a break from work now so I guess. Here let me get it inside first." another guy with golden brown hair took a box from the first man's grip into the house next door. He looked tired as if the day bored him. She couldn't get over the fact that he was ripped like a Pitt copycat.

New neighbors? How did she miss this? Like it was that hard it figure. She pursed her lips out, "Cute."


	5. Weapons Are Her Pistol Eyes

The rest of the day laggard on but Ella remained jocund throughout it. Purple and pink blends of the sunset luminous behind rough, smooth sanded hills of the suburbs almost by accident. She liked this time of day. It was slow but it had a face. Something she could stare at yet close her eyes and bath in its beauty. The thrilling silkiness she desires.

There was nothing to do but listen to the movers next door rattle on about what goes where and the sounds of duct tape jostled off cardboard boxes. The Pitt look-a-like had this sexy deep voice. Like some Boston Donnie Wahlberg kind of thing. Stupidly, she couldn't tell New York from Mass. anyway. There's no difference, one's just as malodorous as the other.

Ella lit the Vanilla Cremé candles on her dresser, thinking about Josh again. Vanilla reminded her of him. He had this girly man cologne he always wore. It was like a warm vanilla. She breathed in the sultry flavor, letting the melded fragrances reminiscing, making her stilled in its rapture.

Candles are the kind of aromas to get anyone to completely relax, yet her bones were rigid. She can't relax when that's the smell of the moment. It's all him. She can't do this. Enough. She can't hide anymore.

She had to tell him it's a mistake, how she feels, it was all wrong.

She heard the garden hose going off and glanced outside. Cute was the least of her problems. Her eyes went red. She rushed out of her room and collided with something solid.

"Shit! Josh? What are you trying to do?" she stood up, he replicated her movements.

Did this had to happen now of all times?

"Sorry," He looked her up, if she didn't know it, he was almost checking her out, "You going somewhere?"

She was growing impatient, "Yeah, what is it?"

It was like his mind shut down, "Not important. Never mind, sorry I made you fall."

She shook her head and dove past him blazing down the stairs toward the front garden, "You should be…"

She paused when she saw what she saw. "Shit! Hey, what the fuck are you trying to do?"

She charged straight for him and he shook. Her green eyes stinging his blue ones.

It was the guy she was ogling at earlier, "Uh, doing you a favor actually. I was gonna put it back but the boxes had dirt on it so. Its OK, its not like I was stealing it."

"Yeah well, I'd love to hear your side but frankly me not caring is the deal here. Put it back when your done, alright?"

He seized her up, clearly intrigued, "You normally like this?"

"No--I mean yes… NO! I gotta go." She turned around cringing at how pathetic she was being.

"Hey! You wanna hang out?" He just caught her.

She turned back around, laughing at this scene before her, "Not into making new friends just mind what's yours…"

"Who said I wanted to be your friend? I'm only in town for a couple days so if you wanted to do something like hang out somewhere I'm up for it."

She rolled her eyes, "Where do you wanna go?"

He smiled, "Wherever's good. Coffee?"

"Why did you do that, normally they wouldn't care really. Care to elaborate, Kyle?" she tipped her empty coffee cup as they conversed.

"I hated people saying it has to be one thing. That's what sucks audition after audition. Actors are considered the "little people" in the works."

Ella nodded her head, "Depending on the role of course. Are you one of those "serious" dudes? What's your type?"

"Role or women?"

"Role?"

"All kinds. Acting, real acting comes from the ability to ad lib and do anything. I don't want to come off as nerdy but I'm more of a drama deal. Comedy is frightening, you know the expression, "dying is easy, comedy is hard?"

Ella giggled, "OK."

"Why are you laughing?"

She shook her head, smiling, "Just interesting. The way you talk about acting, you have a passion. As gay as that sounds not a lot of people do. The real question is: are ya any good?"

Kyle laughed, "I dunno, I'm OK I guess. Wouldn't be spending so much of my free time working at it if I sucked. I mean, to be considered "any good" you have to have some raw talent."

She flicked her finger at him, "Good point. Which is why anyone named Ashlee should get their head checked."

He chuckled, "Not a big fan? She's alright, if you like killing cats."

"I actually think cats are pretty good singers especially the gay ones. They could belt like old school Whitney."

"So, what else do you like? Music-wise or whatever you wanna share."

She thought for a minute, "I don't know, I'm kind of simple. I know I'm not one thing. I like stuff I can feel with. Being an emotional wreck sort of grows on you. I guess anything you'd wanna switch off when you hear it."

"That's not true, what is it that you like?"

Ella blushed profusely, "Sulky shit, like poetry music. Probably every sad song you can think of I know it. Green Day I will always love though."

Kyle leaned back in his chair crossing his arms, "I see."

"Do you?"

"Well, usually people who like that stuff wind up down a certain path. I knew someone--actually a lot of people like that. Should I be concerned, considering the stereotype maybe true?"

She felt cornered. Flashbacks of ten years ago circled in her mind. She shivered in the memory. She was brought back, just barely. "No, heh, not everyone is like that you know. Most are exactly that."

She was avoiding eye contact, it was too obvious. He found that it was a sore subject. Maybe its not her, could be a friend or someone in her family. He shouldn't press any further. They only just met today.

He checked the time and started getting up, "Hey, um, I have to get back now, you ready to go now?"

Ella nodded and started getting up herself, dropping her cup in the trash bin on the way out. She followed him outside and they walked to the car in silence.

He finally looked at her mid-way back, "Thanks for coming out with me."

She gave a smile, almost forcing it, "Sure, I had fun."

He laughed. "Don't sound so excited."

She sighed and turned to look at him, "Sorry, I just froze back there. I really did have fun. It's a long time since anyone asked me for something simple as that. I wasn't sure anyone liked to just talk, you know?"

"It's OK, I didn't realize it was something you weren't used. To be honest its been a while for me too. Oh, who's that?"

Ella looked in his directed and gasped, "Shit! I thought they left already. Jesus, why?!"

He pulled in his parents driveway and shut the engine off. "I don't think Jesus is one you need now."

She shook her head rolling her eyes as she got out of the car, "It's not what you think, he's not supposed to be here." She leaned against his car, defeated.

He came around the front and leaned to the other side, "Who's that?"

"My worst nightmare. Its nothing, We should hang out again, OK?" She pointed her finger to Kyle and clucked her tongue.

"Alright, well, see ya around." He waved as she left toward her house.

He watched her a from the corner just to make sure. He was curious, she was far from his type but there was this thing he couldn't quite understand. She wasn't overtly sexual, it was made clear by the way she dressed. You can tell she's the reserved type.

As strange as it appears, he saw loneliness in those emerald eyes. She wasn't interested in making any friends because they don't want to be hers. With a sister like Ella's, must be just a battle getting through the next day.

"It's gotta be that sister."


	6. Dreaming Of You

Back to the basics. Ella figured a shower shouldn't complicate matters, she was dying for one anyway. As the warm silky water cascaded over her visible curves, she closed her eyes, and started dreaming.

She was a princess. Isn't everyone at one point? Unfortunately, so was Melora. The spoiled princess that is. Daddy and Mommy love her and everything she does is perfect. She looks from afar, a vision, for the first time she saw an interesting picture. Someone who didn't quite fit her world. A servant. He held himself well despite his dire circumstance.

She caught his eyes scrying her intrigue in him. Confusions aroused. He was a servant, he was tortured, she felt torn. Her eyes turned as the rest of her body ran from him. She knows it was wrong, feeling so good. She just looked at him and it was just that. Her heart felt tired. She was reeling, going only on two sinister options. Neither made her feel good. Her stomach swirled into knots. She could surrender, believing in that came with a price.

She felt a tap on her shoulder, like razor blades she refused to turn.

"This is bad, very bad. Leave me alone."

"Your highness, if I may say, why did you run as you always do? Why do you look at me in such a way?"

"Be away, don't speak of things you know nothing about." She clings to the castle column.

"If you wish, I can't hide what I'm feeling when I'm alone with you Princess Ella. I'm burning for your hand. I have dreams each night of--"

She finally forces her body to gear at him, buried in his face, those eyes of his know only what she cannot say. "Keep away from me, servant. You will do as my father, The King Peter's commands you. I shall be on my way for the rest of the day."

She moves her eyes past him but her body ceases to slip. The heat, she can't breathe, "Can't walk yourself from me? I know you feel it inside you. Don't be afraid, don't let yourself in pain Princess. It's going to be alright."

His gentle manner sprinkled around her, breathing slow and tingled with raging warmth. He stepped close, time remained oblivious, she swallowed the heat she couldn't possibly escape. "Don't, Joshua, don't ruin our lives. I can't do this--" He crashed his lips over hers savoring her sweet taste.

She was ever so slowly backed against the castle walls, lifting her hands and reaching them to his hair. She enjoyed how soft he felt leaned up against her body. He pulled his lips and trailed them with tiny kisses from her jaw down her neck.

Ella moaned. It was invigorating, being with him. Touching love. Kissing fate. Believing in just life again. She didn't have to be alone, she couldn't. She was inside him. Inside his heart. She's strong.

"Josh… no, please stop." her voice, failing to comply with the rest of her.

"I love you, Princess Ella. I love you so much."

Yeah right. Life would never in her wildest dreams happen that way. Her vision twists into smoke as she wakes up.

The morning went by like nothing anyway. The autumn painted new and dainty orange flavors among the evergreen outside Plata Lane. The day growing crisp by the second. She stares abroad the leafs, the strange stance they shape sparkle. Twinkling and gazing back at her, remembering a time when a picture powered your mind.

Her hair was wrapped securely in a towel daydreaming again. If only stuff like dreams were the real deal. Its almost as if her life is a 3 doors down song. Only there was no love lost in this situation. He's breathing, so is she, doesn't mean much. Second banana to the winner. Was it worth it?

"Nice robe."

She turned around and felt a blush arise, pulling her robe tighter, "What are you--what are you doing in here?"

Kyle shoved his hands into his pockets and planted himself on the end of her bed, "Your mom let me in. Does she always yammer like that?"

In any situation involving nudity she'd scram but now it didn't make her feel so awkward. She sat next to him softly.

"Same for the last 21 years. There's no pill for it unfortunately. What are you doing here?"

"Heh, bored mostly, can you believe it, 28, staying with the folks, bored out of my fucking mind. I should be at a club shouldn't I?"

"I don't know, I guess you should."

"But I'm here so I can't." he gestured.

She chirped, "Guess you solved that one. And they say your kind has less neurons than the common man."

He was the on that was uneasy now, "Wanna get dressed? I'll wait here if you want."

She bit her bottom lip and stood up, "I guess so. I'll be back. Just in case, for your safety, avoid anyone looking to start some random shit if they come in here. Most likely she'll steal my things and I'll never see it."

"Jeez, wish I had a sister like that." he shouted to her as she moved to the bathroom.

Once inside, Ella started to think about Josh again. She couldn't understand why he was haunting her so. If she could have her chance, she's surely jump upon it gripping her life force onto its control.

She was happy despite her sourly position. She managed to make a friend, still in process but it rings in truth. Making friends wasn't her shtick in life. Most of the people she thought were decent turned out to be rude and down and out rigid. She was more confused more than anything now.

She shook her head and slowly got dressed. She was going to face the rest of the day with a positive demeanor. Kyle was someone who accepted her right away. She was going to be meticulous around him. But he was strictly friends material.

"It should stay that way," she tells herself quietly.


	7. You and Me

Ella spent the next week getting to know Kyle. She found that surprisingly, he intrigued her wits. She prodded him with endless questions and he welcomed it. She discovered this relaxing vibe she felt when he was around. Like he was Chris Issac or something.

All this time, her feelings of Joshua fled her memory and she barely knew he was around. It gotten to a point where they barely said "hi" to each other. They hadn't spoken since she told him off about his plans with her down and out sister. But she didn't care.

Josh has changed in her mindset. Mel didn't know what she's in for with him that's for sure. She couldn't commit if it killed her. Ella knew it wouldn't get serious or anything so she never put the issue in thought so much. Until of course he dropped his marriage bombshell.

_Nothing but an empty page  
Breathing in an open space  
Captured by a moment's grace  
Again_

She was still worried even though she told herself that she wasn't going to get involved. More concerned for Josh than her sister. She was mad at him. Every time she sees him she starts shaking. More like shivers uncontrollably. He deserves a better opportunity. Settling with something now rather than considering other endeavors. Especially ones that is right in front of you from the start.

Ella found it out the hard way as soon as he decided to share his details. It wasn't really all bad. Since she met Kyle, things have changed. Feelings were put away for a good reason. She didn't need this painful lashing eating away at her emotions. She vowed to herself and Kyle that she'd move forward.

And she did just that.

_Here's my resolution I'm letting go  
All I need to learn is along this road  
And just want to be the best that I can be  
Breathe  
It's my resolution_

She lay on her bed, anticipating Kyle's return to her room. He made her feel like she mattered. In the world of Melora, it was incredulously hard to carve your own credibility. Kyle was the first guy to really listen to her. Things ran smoothly when they hung out. And for the first time, she noticed that finally someone that good looking would want anything to do with her. It was great. She wasn't worried about anything when it came to him. She can just be Ella. Plain Jane Ella.

It was like that movie she saw 10 years ago. **The Mirror Has Two Faces.** She knows she's Barbara. The last 22 years of her life she was Barbara. Reticent and ready for the eminent failure. In love with someone who would never feel the same. But the ending always confused her. Falling for your best friend? Why risk the bond? She could never imagine letting her feelings perplex any situation. She values friendship dearly and wouldn't dream of sabotaging such a precious thing.

_There's so much I've left behind  
Even more that waits in time  
Everything's so undefined  
Standing on the edge of my fear  
And I see it clear_

"Where is that guy?" she asked anonymously.

She turned on her stomach and took out a magazine. As she thumbed through the pages, she cringed. The models just get skinnier by the second. For a while she was envious of those girls. They got all the guys and didn't have to impress anyone. They pretty much got it made looks alone. Crazy lifestyles.

"It's like all they eat is air," she sighed and threw the magazine back on the shelf.

She threw her head back, closing her eyes. She heard the door open and raised her eyebrow.

"Who's there?"

Silence.

"Hey," she felt the weight on the bed shift.

That voice, something's weird.

She opened her eyes only to find Kyle's face inches from hers. Her eyes bulged out slightly.

_Living life without a plan  
Finding souls where I stand  
And learning how to love again  
And all I want is something real  
That I can feel_

"What are you doing?"

He shrugged, "Nothing, I used to do this to my brothers a lot."

He rested his head on her stomach earning a scuff from Ella. "What are you doing?"

"I'm tired. Dad had me moving shit all day. I don't think we could go out tonight. So what do you wanna do?"

She stroked his hair, "Don't know. How's your Dad doing?"

"Stressed as ever. My stepmother's always late so he frets non-stop about nothing. But she's cool about it. How's big sis? Tell me things…"

"Does it matter? She has what I wanted since last year. People love her. She's perfect; I'm a vapid waste of space. Who says things need to change."

"Why do you say these things? You gotta learn to not let this shit get to you so much. You know what I mean? You're a lot better than you give yourself credit for. You have a lot to offer. What do I gotta do to make it get it so you can shut up with all the depression?"

She sighed, "More convincing but you're on the right track. I just have a lot of built up anger. Towards one person in particular. Ugh, it's really a small, ugly Katherine Harris-like world I tell yas."

Kyle sat up slightly, resting his chin on her stomach, "You're a complicated woman Ella James. Complicated beyond the comprehension. But you wouldn't be irresistible without it."

She rolled her eyes, "I'll be the luckiest girl in the world if that did me in. Too bad words are just words. On the other hand, if you're serious than brownie points for you."

"Confuse me?" he sniffed a giggle, "Did I just hear I've been rewarded brownie points? When was it the 90s and where was I? Well now that you mention… Ella my dear, what's your definition of brownie points prey-tell?"

Her face contorted in a question mark. "How old are you again? I don't give hidden meanings to what I say. I can say who wins my affections and you've definitely made it farther than most people let me just say that much."

"Hmm, well," he starts lifting her shirt up a little, "you know what I say to that…?"

"Uh, what's going on?"

Suddenly, the whole world has dissipated and Ella starts screaming with laughter. Never since she was 5 has someone done this to her. Kyle actually blew a raspberry on her stomach and repeatedly.

Her breathing becomes shallow as he starts to slow down. There was this weird silence she started to feel and it was suffocating her annoyingly.

His face was inches from hers and she didn't like it. She moved further away, "Uh, sorry about… that."

She felt his awkward breathing as well, "Yeah, me too. Do you want me to go? Because I really have nothing better to do you know."

She was relieved, "No it's cool. Just had a little too much fun there. Are we cool?"

He shrugged, "Oh yeah, totally. Jeez, I feel like Keanu Reeves or something."

Ella shook her head in worry, "Only Melora finds that guy attractive. Me? I like me some Matt Damon please. Heh, pretend you're gay, do you think he's hot?"

She tapped on his shoulder like a child, "Uh, no to the first one thanks, and uh I don't know how to answer that question. Are those the kind of guys you're into? Matt Damon types?"

Without hesitation, she just knew, "Sure. Nothing wrong with that. I like guys who have a thing about them. I like guys who can know someone they love even before they know themselves. If that makes any sense. I really want a guy who knows where he's going but leaves it to chance. Like a risk taker. Selfless and unassuming. God, I should write the ad right now shouldn't I?"

She giggled as she hoped over to her dresser fiddling with the different clips and accessories lain on the table top. The way her hands moved, felt like satin velvet. She flowed, she held a magic in her movements that captured her in a new light. Like a little girl trying on dresses she switched to earrings.

He nearly gaped at her but caught himself when she turned around. His eyes narrowed as he noticed she was a little somber as she crossed her arms.

She stared directly at him, "It's hopeless, no matter what I do, and nothing changes. I'm too disillusioned for my own good. It's finally happened. The world is ending Kyle, and I got split ends to top it off."

She plopped down next to him and lay on her back. She felt him tap her shoulder softly, "What's up? Who do you want me to beat up?"

"How is your stance on hitting a woman go? Doable?"

He sighed, "Well, what am I getting in return?"

She sat up, seriously, "I'll give anything for that favor. The world would be grateful. Trust me on that."

"Baby, I'm not gonna put a hit on your sis. Why don't you just come live with me for a while?"

Ella thought for a minute, why not really? He's nice, hot, though there's no obvious attraction, and willing to save you from the 6th circle of hell. But still, as the idea of it did seem tempting, well more than like deliciously tempting, the rationality of it came to focus.

"I can't. But I'll keep it in consideration. What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing much. Mel gonna stick around?"

She nodded, "Yeah, why? I never know. She always stays with Josh here. I'm not in any mood to see either one. Never have actually."

"You still love him, huh?"

Ella's shoulders tensed, "Why does it hurt still to know that's true? Why can't I move on? Sometimes I feel like if I'm not perfect, my life is non-existent. Things feel so cold. Like it's always too late for me. Even when I think I had a moment's chance it just passed. Love to me is some ancient passage that only happens to people who haven't earned it. For so long I've wanted some notion, some iota of reason to just feel. Other than despair and emptiness, it hasn't worked for me. I think if I try not to want it so bad, you know, it'll come, just like certain things are supposed to work out. But even waiting is like a slow death, seeping into me without assurance. I just wanna know why. Why I can't seem to let go of things I can never have in my life?"

She was so distraught over what she had revealed; she barely noticed Kyle was in the room. She did, however, feel him take her hand, and she was grateful he had.

"Maybe I should be quiet for telling you this but I don't think you should invest any of your time in this anymore than you have. You're better than this and you should know that. I think the reason why you're so strained on believing this story is because no one has really gotten to how wonderful you are when they really get to know you. Even the parts you try and hide, the ones that make people pay attention, prove you're equally greater than the next person. Maybe if I start telling you how amazing you are, you finally understand what I mean. Shit, I hope I'm making sense cuz the last time I thought about anything this much my mom made me try out for a play in high school."

Her face broke out in a laugh, "Did you get it?"

He blushes on the memory, "Actually no, but the reason why I bring it up is because it was semi embarrassing and I try not to tell that story."

"What was the part anyway?"

"Uh, it was Ed Wood."

She rolled her eyes, smiling, "Nice, I certainly wouldn't want to see you in any form of drag now. Unless you're Chi Chi in Too Wong Foo…"

He stood up and held both her hands, brushing his thumbs over them gently, "So, you wanna get outta--"

"Oh, hey, sorry, you know where Mel is?" Josh busts into in her room.

Just as Ella was beginning a new chapter, he shows up.

Ella was so appalled she could barely say two words. She couldn't believe it. All the confidence built in just vanished without warning. Kyle noticed her pale intake and perked in for her.

"Hey, yeah, we haven't seen her man. Try her room, maybe she's there."

He gestured back with his thumb indicating toward Mel's room. "Yeah, I was just there and I thought she might have come here and start something with Ella. It's a thing they still have."

Kyle sniffed back. The guy obviously doesn't let up on much. Than he suddenly felt Ella's hands slip from the hold.

She approached Josh with a stern attitude, "What do you want Josh? We haven't seen her alright? Just leave us alone."

She pushes him out and slams the door in his face. She leaned against the door, aggravation racing to the peak in her mind. It was obvious, there's a lot going on still. She wants him. She doesn't know why. She can't handle him anymore. It's getting harder to bare.

"It's probably not my place, but, do you want me to go? We can do this another time."

She looks up at that, "Aren't you going to your place?"

"I'm not leaving yet. My dad wants me doing all the work for him anyway so… but it's alright if you want be left alone."

She bit her lip, "No, it's just. I got some things to do in the morning and I need to go to bed early. But thanks for being here now."

She steps forward, placing herself in his arms. As they slowly let go, he turned toward the door, turning the handle. He looked at Ella, winking and saluting in a playful childish way.

As he closed the door, she fell onto her bed. Alone, desolate, back where she started. Back to her original thoughts.

She heard a knock at her door. She wasn't sure if she should get up or don't bother. She sighed as she went against her original wishes and opened the door.

"Hey, can we talk?" And it doesn't end.

"Josh, there's nothing to talk about." she tried closing the door on him but it was deflected.

"Ella, please. Let me explain some things." he forced himself inside her room and shut the door.

"What? Where's Mel? I thought you were looking for her."

"I knew where she was. I came here to talk to you." A line like that is dead on her now.

"I should feel so fucking lucky, what is it?"

He took a seat on her computer chair and tried to start with something, "I'm a little conflicted… with Mel. It happened the last time we spoke about what I wanted to happen with her and me. I don't know what to do now. I've been with her for a year and I'm not sure if it's what I want. I know I love her--"

"Josh, stop it! What do you want from me?" she cuts to the core.

He looked straight at her, which made her back up a little. "I can't do this with her. I care about her a lot but it stops at that, you know? I don't know…"

"Again, why do I need to know this?"

"Heh and I thought you'd be happy I wasn't going to ask her to marry me. I wish there was a way to tell you." he stood up, walking closer to her.

She was stuck. The wall was the end of escape. But why was she stilled? "Tell me what?"

He was too close. She thought she was dreaming again. In all her dreams, she wakes up in the end. But now, she found everything was in her control and she wasn't doing anything. She felt it hard to swallow. Her mouth was dry as well as her lips.

"Ella, please don't stop me."

"Stop you from what?"

And than, she knew it wasn't a dream.

Ella clutched the wall for support. It was futile to fight it. "Look, JC, I don't know what you want. Why are you doing this?"

JC steps back as if recovering from a headache, "I don't know. I was trying to say something and I just couldn't. I don't know what's happening."

This stung her terribly. She didn't know what the hell was up with him and she hated it. This beating around the bush thing was becoming a problem.

She grew suddenly and touched his shoulder, "Josh, what do you want me to do? How can I help?"

How can she help? Joshua thought sinisterly. Doesn't even begin to start what was going on through his engorged mind. Nothing can save him, not even Ella. His best friend. Someone he once called his only true confidant. But she doesn't know… How could she? She never could understand how he feels. Strangely, being around her made it easier.

He gathered his empty will to look at her. She really doesn't know. Has no fucking clue. She believes they are just friends. If only he could tell himself to believe that now. It's a hoax. A canard. As he stares into her eyes, be a slumped fool to kid himself before. He knew where he belongs. He doesn't know for sure. Can't bring himself to say such things. Reveal his inner trueness.

He picks up her hand. Her eyes stretch slightly. He notices, and relents a sweet song as he ever so gently kisses her hand.

"JC… why did you do that?"

He placed two fingers just barely touching her soft, velvet lips. "I wanted to. That's it."

Doing things because you want to? What about the things you need to? Just do things because you need to. Whatever happened to being honest, she contemplated.

But she didn't have time. What happened next boiled her over and it didn't make sense but it was what she wanted for so long.


	8. Fix You

Like a phoenix rising from its ashes, she dreamed and longed for this moment. But to Ella, it was her best friend, in need of healing. She wasn't certain why he was before her, like this. His words strangled as he tried to speak. Sounds of choking sobs rang true as he bled his heart for her.

It was pent up rage that had been building since his aunt's death. He hasn't dealt with it much, he pointedly showed. He surrendered his pain for a change and it felt amazing.

_Don't want to close the door  
Don't want to give up on it  
Don't want to fight no more_

Sometimes talking about things that bother you, really make the difference. The weight is lifted. You feel elated and free beyond the spectacle. She felt as if she was in his nightmare. Feeling what he was feeling. Watching as he's going through the false personas. His life through images like in a movie slideshow but he could only see it.

She pulled out of his embrace, still in his hold, to look him in his eyes. She was falling again. He can't help it. It's always too late, to her even being in his arms, manufactured a ridged loneliness she despised. She wanted him. Longing to have him know the mangled truth.

All of her life, she's been singing love songs and lullabies. Was she forever stuck in this impossible dream of unrequited love? Was there any love to speak of? She's done it before, she can do it again. She'll be his friend and nothing else.

_We'll find a way around it  
Where's the love we had?  
We can make it last_

She rubs his back, not knowing much and it stops there. Ella feels stuck. Beyond confused. What could she do? Shut off everything? Put away all forms of happiness. Though she couldn't ignore the vehement surge he gave off. But she didn't want to give up. She couldn't somewhere. Despite all that's been done. She needs him, he needs somebody. Someone he can count on. Someone he could talk to. But its too hard to be this close to someone you can't have.

She pulls away slightly and silently. She feel this strong urge to kiss his cheek but it was concealed rightfully.

_Tell me what I gotta be  
Tell me what you wanna do?  
Cause I can't live my life  
The way you want me to_

She shivered on her bed, wondering what he was thinking. What could he be thinking? He just poured his heart out. What could be in his mind right now?

"Are you alright?" Ella straightened herself.

He nodded, scaring her a little as his eyes shot into her direction, "Yeah, I'm just gonna have to figure this one out myself. But I'm glad I could talk to you about anything. It's great to I have that in someone. To be perfectly honest, I can't really remember when Mel and I had a heart-to-heart. Anyway, do you have any plans for tonight?"

She racked her brain, "I don't know. I was thinking of doing something with Kyle, we were gonna go somewhere fun I guess. Why?"

_You know we can't go on,  
living like we do  
Do I have to cry for you?_

He appeared somewhat fidgety, like he had trouble getting the words out. Josh knew he didn't want to be alone tonight but than again he didn't want pry into her plans. He felt a child now, fumbling with the words.

But looking directly at the woman who was his girlfriend's sister, didn't make sense. He was beginning to see something else. He felt drawn, almost, more alive all of a sudden.

So tell me what it's for  
If there's no winner in it  
Nobody's keeping score

"Just thought maybe we could hang out you know. Just us. I completely get it if you wanna got out with that guy that just here, what's his name?"

She raised a tidy eyebrow, "Kyle?"

He nodded, "Yeah, that guy. So what do ya say?"

"Well, I-I guess. What do you want to do than?"

Something was missing and she wanted to grill him until she got it.

"You wanna go out to uh, eat first? I'm starved."

She shrugged as he stomach rumbled slightly. They both laughed at that. "Alright, so where you wanna go?"

They stood from Ella's desk and went out of the room silently. He went in front of her as he spoke, "Somewhere good, maybe Maria's. What do you think?"

Was there much of a choice? "Yeah, OK. I'll leave a note."

Ella sped towards the kitchen and grabbed a pad-magnet and pen off the fridge scribbling a note to her parents. She placed it back onto the fridge and took a breath, exhaling slowly.

"Hey, ready?" She jumped at his voice.

"Yeah."

She grabbed at her following him out the door. When he opened it, Ella wasn't so pleased to see who was there.

"Mom? What are you doing here?"

Her mother just looked at her with those dark wiccan eyes that pierce. She was still scared of her, although Ella could never let her know it. But she was up to no good.

"Ella, that's no way to talk to your mother." Her eyes shifted to JC and they light up like a fire cracker. "Joshua? Hello. Are you here to see Melora? She told me to tell you she'll be back in 20 minutes. She wants you to call her."

Nora James basically pushed past her daughter and went upstairs to her room.

There was this odd, straining silence that Ella wanted to wish away quickly. It was painful. She wasn't even sure if she heard him breathing.

Ella knew what she had to do. There was always that factor. That one blip on the radar that tarnish her chances with anything. Her parents don't give a fuck. Mel never dreamed of caring like a sister should. It was now so translucent Josh, all along, wasn't going to come to her defense.

Before anyone moved she had taken control already.

"You don't wanna keep my sister waiting any longer. See you around." She turned past him and went straight next door to the one person who knew her, really knew her.

_Let's start from the beginning  
Can we make it last?  
With the love we had_

"He didn't even try to stop me or say, 'hey, you know, sorry about dinner.' 'How about I make it up to you?' Or even a 'see ya round.' You know? Sick of all the shit."

Kyle & Ella decided to take a swim but now they were in the Jacuzzi relaxing. They becoming really close. She was pretty much coming to him for everything. The Melora conflicts mostly. She loves it because he's doing the one thing most every human lacks daily; listen.

She splashed some water on her shoulders and closed her eyes. It was like a hydro-massage all throughout her body. It felt amazing and for once, she can be herself.

"Well, did you give him a chance to say anything or did you bolt? Tell me the truth." he started rubbing her feet under the water.

She rolled her eyes, groaning, "What does that matter? Point is, he didn't make any signs that was sorry for ruining my hopes again. Just when I think he could be a real live person, SHE gets in my way. But than again, he's a guy, but he's pretty pussy-whipped if ya ask me. Hey, stop that heh, seriously stop it." he started tickling her and wouldn't yield to her wishes.

He got closer for a better reach and held her waist down. "No. I found something that might make you laugh forever. Muah ha ha ha ha!"

"God Dammit! Just give it up. Ahah! I got ya now." It was his turn to be pinned down.

Apparently they were trapped, neither will forfeit but Ella was the smarter of two. She looked at him pointedly in her victory. She pushed him in his chest with her knee a little. She was in complete control now.

But there was something wrong. She didn't feel right. Thoughts of Joshua shouted into her brain. Beating away uncontrollably, like a thunderstorm coming out from nowhere.

This suddenly wasn't fun for her. She felt like a dummy, stilled and ready to crack any moment.

She began pushing him off roughly, "Sorry, I can't do this now."

Kyle shook his head, more than confused with the gesture. He watched as she moved to the corner of the tub and started rubbing her shoulders ravenously.

He made his move next to her. She was looking anywhere but at him. She heard his sigh and cringed. She messed it up for herself. It's not enough the world thinks she's spam but the one guy she thought thinks that too killed her insides.

"Sorry about the -- well, the, you know, moving like that. I didn't know you would be… I really don't know what I'm saying. But I'm sorry."

"If you say sorry anymore, you'll wear it out. I don't know. I'm just--weird now. I wanna be friends, but I don't understand how to be friends with a guy. I wasn't always this weird you know?"

"No?"

She nodded, "I was so straight-laced. I cared too much about impressing everyone I forgot about what was going on. Actually, when I think about it more, I dread those memories. I rarely think about it anymore."

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself  
Cause my heart so much misery  
I will not break the way you did,  
You fell so hard_

He tapped on her shoulder with his gently, "Sounds like you shouldn't bring it up."

She scoffed and sunk her hair into warm water. She wanted to stay down in the warm escape forever. Living would be easy if she didn't have to see it.

The human in her woke up and she surfaced smoothing out her hair back. She exhaled deeply. Delving in the silence she wished she had more of.

_I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far_

Ella wondered what Kyle was thinking. They are friends she knows that already. Just… she needs to know something.

She whipped her eyes connecting with his. "Do you wanna kiss me, Kyle?"

"So, Josh, what's going with all this? Do you want me to keep guessing or are you going to finally tell me?" Melora leaned on her hand, looking absentmindedly at Josh.

"Uh," he cleared his throat, "well, I took his here because I wanted to. Do I need a reason really?" He really wanted to just eat dinner.

_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

She shrugged, "No, I was just wondering. You've been kind of weird to me lately and now its almost as if you're acting like nothing happened. But as long as you're doing this, I'm very happy baby."

He nodded, "That's good. Where's the waiter?"

She lifted her eyebrow as he seemed a little preoccupied with searching for the waiter. She licked her lips in wonder, "Uh, Josh, are you OK?"

_Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

Took him 10 full seconds to reply back, he finally looked at her, "Huh? Oh yeah, I'm good. Just I'm hungry you know? Just, hello? Yes, we're ready…"

The waiter had come to the table. Pen and paper handy for the order. "Sorry sir, I had other costumer engagements at hand. Are you both ready to order? Can I start you with something to drink maybe? An appetizer perhaps?"

JC seemed to take over the speaking Melora had noticed. She didn't like it one bit. She planned on demanding why he was behaving this way after he finished their order.

_I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes_

She grew scared. What if this was over? All she had with him, just she's a nothing. What he doesn't want her anymore? She bites her nails to the quick on that thought. They've been together for so long, it means more now. Maybe its all in her mind. She hoped this wasn't bad news for her.

Its been a ride with him and she's going to keep it that way. She has to stay strong. Or god forbid she thought. What if Ella has something to do with this? Oh, she's gonna get it badly this time. When will that girl ever learn that Josh would never look at her sister that way.

Millions of reasons raced but the only way to find out the real reason was to beat it out of him. If anything else, Melora's the best at that.

_I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with_

The waiter had finally gone and Josh was acting more than ridiculous now. He was looking anywhere but at her and she was beyond abhorring the situation any longer.

"Josh, what the hell is going on here? Are you sleeping with my sister?"

The honest reaction takes the cake. Which was what mother always told her.

_I watched you die  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep  
I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me_

This stopped in dead in his tracks. Which apparently, wasn't entirely untrue or true for that matter. Melora has figured him out; to a certain extent. He wasn't nor will he ever think of sleeping with Ella James, Melora's little sister. The idea of it all seemed outland and misconstrued. But having brought it up made his brain open up a little.

Josh hasn't literally slept with Ella, that being the god's honest of things truth. Still… the subconscious is a beautiful thing. Except when it perplexes issues furthermore.

For the last few nights, he's been contracting the dreams. The dreams are something inexplicable. They started in the early stages of meeting Melora. The day after he met with her sister. She was waiting for her bus at work. He couldn't help but stare. Just curious enough to make him find out a little more than just a name and a face.

_You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain  
And now I cry in the middle of the night  
For the same damn thing_

The dreams were the one and only thing he would never reveal to anyone, even his family. They were the little secrets his mind would secrete in the times of repose. He wondered what he was doing now? Why he was putting himself through this… When it was so clear in the beginning why.

Ella.

She was a creature. A person even he could never understand. It bothered and intrigued him. She was interesting. Ella had this romance about her. This certain flare he gravitated toward. Yet he didn't want to stay so close. It was inevitable. Josh knew he would be with Melora. It worked well. He could stay just close enough to Ella without ruining anything.

_Because of you  
I try my hardest just to forget everything  
Because of you  
I don't know how to let anyone else in_

Well, what if she didn't know about his feelings? Would he be prepared to handle any of the outcome? He doesn't know. It drove him crazy. It was so certain how obvious the answer was this whole time. It's already been too long he's held this in. Agonizes options he was stuck. Stuck in this world of nothing and nowhere. Frozen in this parallel outer world he can't revive from. There was no surviving this.

Something has to happen. Than he realized it. How he knew all along. He was in some kind of pause but it wasn't what he thought.

_Because of you  
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty  
Because of you_

He looked her dead in the eye and said calmly but as assertive as he can manage, "I have to go."

_I am afraid  
Because of you_


	9. One Safe Place

Ella calmed down to the best of her ability. She was overly nervous and Kyle found himself in a state of strong confusion. Here she was. They were talking. Friends, is what the plan had been. But she wanted this. It was evident.

She needed a certain touch or some kind of answer in this. But she was fretting over the one question that peeled at her.

Was it enough?

As Kyle was advancing, she intervened in a swift motion. "Wait a minute, I don't know what's going on here."

He scratched his head in a painful confusion, "Well, I think, and I could be on the wrong of things here, I think you wanted us to kiss. Was there anything else I missed?"

Ella shook her head strangely, keeping her distance from him. Oddly, it was bizarre her being this close to him. "No, I mean, I don't know. I'm so lost now. Just I don't know. It was something else. I was thinking of something else. Actually, you know, I wasn't thinking. So OK, could we just, I don't know, I'm not really clear about a lot of things now. I'm really sorry--"

He interjected, "Say no more," He stands up and keeps his distance as well, "Don't wanna bring more awkwardness to the situation anymore than there is."

She rubs her shoulders as if shivering from a chill in the air, "OK, well, I have to go now so, yeah…"

She hops out of the spa tub and leaves an evermore perplexed Kyle behind her. She doesn't look back but when she reaches the screen door she pauses, closing her eyes on her decisions. Was it right? Wrong? Or was it something else.

It had to be because Josh's face popped up in the instant. She grabbed her towel, opened the door, and marched back to her place. 

Back at the James' residence, she caught what will still in her mind forever as soon as she opened the front door.

Josh…? She wasn't sure how this happened but she wasn't wishing it away. It's almost as if she was dreaming. But it was clearly something that seemed forever hers.

Joshua Chasez appeared asleep on her bed. She looked at him like a porcelain wax doll. The way the curves of his mouth turned upward but ever so relaxed was what scared her. She jumped a little as she clung to her peach-colored, damped towel.

She couldn't help her emotions at this moment. "Wow," She was still aware of him. Feelings really never left her. At that moment, Ella James fell in love again.

She didn't want to disturb the moment but it was already too late when Josh start stirring about. Tossing every which way but with his back to her. He made her jump a step by turning around. His eyes remained closed. She thought she was safe. She walked slowly to her dresser and tried to grab some clothes so she can dress in the bathroom.

Before Ella could get to her destination, she was startled by a voice. It was throaty, low, sensual, faintly distinct. It was the voice that she dreamed could be for her.

"Ellie? Hey, turn around."

The way he said it was in a command, but with the softest of tones she ever heard. She felt him nearing behind her. She was shivering so hard she had to grasp onto the sides of the dresser. She shut her eyes, praying for some sort of will to seep through inside.

She began to feel his breath against her neck, warm and clouding her judgment. This was too much. It felt so raw she wasn't sure if this was real.

When she felt his lips on her neck, she was so sure everything diminished. She moaned in pure pleasure. Almost like she was the most important thing to him. She sunk into it despite her misgivings. Her towel dropping at her side, forgotten. She barely noticed the faint chill that swiped at her naked skin.

She felt him slide her bathing suit strap down so slowly it burned as he did so. His touches were dizzying her to the extreme. She felt as if she was in dream-like state and it was this smooth energy flowing as she bathed in it.

They felt so soft gliding along her neck. Imprinting his mark as he claimed every corner and never ignoring the small areas. She couldn't control herself. It just came out, like a tidal coming along the strong wind's direction.

"Josh. I waited so long for this." Her voice darkened without notice and she felt him snap his head away.

The warmth was gone, the feeling instantly strained on the spot. She was mad but she was also happy he pulled away. She might have given herself away more than she already has.

She still wouldn't look at him. She can't now. She gasped as she shivered from the cold only to have her towel draped over her shoulders. He didn't say anything because his breathing was imminent enough for the both of them.

But she found her voice, only slightly, "I'm going now."

She turned around only she glance at him sitting with his hands in his face. He didn't dare look her. Not quite sure why or what was happening. He was so certain before. Was this a safe situation he was in? Just one safe place.

He moved his head up as he watch her grab some clothes and headed toward her bathroom. He took that as his cue to fall down with a thump on her bed.

He didn't know what had gotten him this far. He felt crude, ripped with all kinds of filth. Was it his own doing? Maybe he was torn between choices. He thought he'd always known what he wanted. To be happy, and content. But he knew he wasn't going to push this anymore. It wasn't about what he wants. She was sinking into the motion, and reacted in such a way that scared him back into his nervous self.

He closed his eyes, dreaming it away. Wishing it never took place. But what's the point? She there anyway. She always was. Even before he was with Mel. 

Joshua opened his eyes to the door opening, revealing a layered Ella breezing past him as if he wasn't in her presence. She was dressed in a magenta cardigan, wearing slinky black slacks as if going to an interview for Jane Magazine. She was looking through her jewelry box for earrings. It looked familiar to him. Like he might have seen them on Mel before.

She was breathing sternly, but it appeared to be hard. He could hear its power. She didn't hard much well. She was uncomfortable, and he was stuck in place. Not knowing which way was up or down now. Couldn't circle or steer away from the situation.

It was frustrating, he decided. All he heard was silence mixed with strong breathing. He couldn't take it. He got up and walked behind her. She gasped slightly as she felt him.

"I'm sorry. I don't understand what's hap--"

She turned around blazing with her eyes, red from crying, "No, you never understand. That's all you ever give me. You never seem to understand. With all your mixed signals, its only on pure luck your can function only minutely without even mentioning my sister. You don't need to talk to me about how you feel anymore. Make your own god damn decisions for a change. I'm not for your amusement bull shit anymore."

She paused slightly, he growled in silence. She got him. He knows it. Got him dead in the heart. She always has with her unassuming wits. It's a wonder he hadn't figured it out in the beginning.

All along, it was her.

Now she looks at him with that sudden expression. Curious about his motives. But there was no motive. He was just scared of her answer.

It was beyond something he'd never dreamed of but that was what did it for him. The dream. He dreamed of her like nothing else was happening. Her face, he'd memorized the shapes, the curves dancing along his imagination.

He knew what was going on. One thing was certain only.

It felt as if forever before he gave an answer, "I broke up with Melora."

At first, she knew it was some kind of cruel joke. Like telling someone they just won the lottery on their deathbed. Crude, crass, not something she wanted to hear now of all times.

Ella blinked her eyes shut, tearing streaming against her will. She was alone. She will always be alone.

"Don't do this Josh. Don't crush me with this. Its sick you get some kind of pleasure out of saying this. Why? Why do this?"

JC gathered his strength and looked her directly in her eyes, "It's no joke Ellie. I did this because it was wrong. What I was doing to everyone. But one thing I've always known was that we were never friends to start with."

She scoffed, sniffing back urges to defend herself, "Yeah, OK, what next? What else do you have to confess because this is getting fun for me I don't know about you."

He gently took her hands, "I did this because of you, Ella."

She shook her hands out, never buying for a second how easy this was all of a sudden, "Stop this. I don't care, its not true it can't be. You're a bad liar. I'm getting sick of this."

"All of this has been for you. You have to believe me."

She gather strength enough for the next words, "What for?"

"Isn't this what you want. For me to be free, for someone else? Why is that so hard to see?"

"Because all of a sudden you're throwing away something just like that. We have never been this close and that's because you. You let all of this happen and its hard to understand because its all a lie."

"No it's, not Ella!"

"What are you trying to say? You play like a fool and than go back on your word? Which is it Josh? Are you real or is this another game? I am sick and tired of your games."

"Is it really a game that I finally feel what's going on. I feel what your feeling. When I saw you with Kyle, I was confused. I was happy but at the same time I wondered about him. How he would treat you. Would he hurt you. All these things just burning in my thoughts. I couldn't erase you from me. I wasn't even considering Mel for the first time. And when you came back. I had my chance to tell you."

She was afraid, all the times of waiting and the dreams the just disappeared unhappily, she was scared. The look in his eyes was sight that took on another person. It almost looked like he were revealing a secret. She hoped wouldn't tear her heart anymore than it had.

"Tell me what?…" She took a strange breath in and slowly exhaled.

"I love you Mirella. It was always you."

All air was cut off. She lay still unsure of what just happened. Her world had changed and she lays still.

She forced herself to stare into the crimson power he held and began to collect herself all over again.


End file.
